Whats your purpose here....

Lately, maybe becoz i have too much time on my hands. I have been pondering alot about what life means to me.

For the past 1.5 weeks, I have been waking up and being idle the whole freaking day. Just feel daze, walking around the house. Last of whole week I didn't even step foot out from the house. Not even to the garden. All I did was, wake up.... get online. Chat abit. Watch tv. Try to sleep in the blinking heat in the afternoon. which always fails as its burning hot in my room. So i end up watching all the telenova - the spanish dramas, the filipino drama on tv. hahaha. Talking about being such a couch potato.

On top of all that, I have been having anxiety attack quite alot lately. Out of the blue, i will feel a pang of panic. Be it the new job or thinking about growing older next year. When I look back, it seems that I have not achieved much. Is it that I haven't achieved much or what I have achieved doesn't bring meaning to my life.

I totally envy people who embraces life totally. They live everyday like there is no tomorrow. But I wonder though, how these people condition their minds? Isn't it human that we think about how to survive , about $$$, about our daily needs?

Afew days ago i came across a reading from Luke which reads : Trust God.
In there it says that we shouldn't worry too much about what to eat and wear as the birds and cows doesn't worry and God clothes them and provide for them. We being higher level than these two how can God not provide for us? Very meaningful. I guess its also a flaw in us humans that we always think about our needs beyond any other things. But to reach that leve of trust of not worrying about anything but just live life.. will be alot of hardwork for such a person like me.

Also of late, I kept thinking I will be turning another year older.. and soon will hit the mid 30s... its such a scary thought.

Sometimes, I have dreams about Tao - dunno where she is now. Maybe in cyprus happily married. Sometimes I have dreams about Iowa.. the snow... happy smiley faces of all the people i have known during University days.... I miss that. Maybe that was the happiest moment in my life.... That is why sometimes my mind just wills itself back to that moment.

Maybe, I am so unsettled in this period of my life ( that is the 8 years i started working) is becoz i long for the times , those happy times i have left behind.... At that time, I realized i never had to worry much about $$$ , about bf.. or anything. At that time I thought everything will fall into place. My goal was to get a degress , graduate with honors.. make the dean list every semester never letting my cgpa drop.. I had a purpose, I have a goal in life.

then when i started working reality struck. What has happened to me.. What happened to the charasmatic and confident person?

These 1.5 weeks... the only thoughts that kept coming back is that I don't want to work anymore. I even told my mom that, she said, you can do that but you will no money to spend. That's the world isn't it. The real world. Everything boils down to money.

I need to seek my dream again.. what is that. Is it being a good housewife.. and taking care of my kids( if i do ever have any) or being a successful working person. AT this point i think i will opt for the former. But time is running out... biological clock is ticking like mad dog....

If I do have a dream or goal , will my life have more meaning. Will i wake up with a purpose in this life?

Do you think it would make a difference where I physically am? Be it in MY or AU?

I am just like the lost souls.....